First, I need to start by saying it is absolutely okay NOT to be okay. We read that a lot and it is a huge improvement on a few decades ago when people felt they needed to always pretend,however dire they may be feeling that they were okay. After all we have not been a culture that has been very open about emotions.
It’s hard to believe that in 2018 suicide (and injury or poisoning of indeterminate intent) was the biggest killer for men and women aged 20 to 34 years.
We may have got a bit better but there is still a long way to go. If you check out Facebook or Instagram you will see lots of exhortations to be honest about how we feel, to cut ourselves some slack and be kind to ourselves and that is all very sound – but there comes a point for most of us, unless problems are very severe, when we need to get on with life and manage our feelings, perhaps with support, but get on we must.
But acknowledging that it can be good to talk about our emotions and that we don’t always have to say ‘fine’ when asked how we are, doesn’t mean that it is not also okay to NOT divulge everything, to still say ‘fine’ some of the time because it is always up to us to tell people what we want and keep to ourselves what we want.
In fact, sometimes talking about our problems repeatedly can definitely make them seem worse because we end up dwelling on them.
Like lots of areas of life it is about balance. When it comes to emotions it is important we express them safely in ways that don’t hurt ourselves or others but we also need to learn to manage or regulate them. Life will be forever throwing things at us that causes us to respond emotionally. But we can learn to manage those, at least to some extent.
Let’s be clear that managing or regulating emotions doesn’t mean supressing them or never expressing them. It means we have developed the capacity to regulate ourselves in the moment but we will still need to express those emotions if we are to stay well.
If we were to go about telling everyone our most raw emotions we could feel very emotionally unsafe and that in turn could lead to more hurt. What is more effective is to develop an inner sense of security and confidence which comes from an understanding, and experience, that we can indeed cope with the emotions that can rock us.
But how do we go about developing emotional strength and resilience. Unsurprisingly it is a little different for everyone but there are some general principles.
Although we often talk about physical or mental wellbeing we know that we are whole people and our physical health can impact our mental health and vice versa.
To be emotionally robust it is wise to invest in our physical bodies, making sure we are getting enough sleep, a good diet and some exercise. Being in nature, being with friends, being creative will benefit us all physically and mentally.
If we then go to add in some things specifically for our mind such as meditation or breathing exercises these can also help us to cope when emotions feel overwhelming
But there are also elements of how we deal with emotions that may have come from our past and our mindsets. If as a child you grew up with trauma or in a household that was very unpredictable or chaotic that can have an impact on how we respond to emotions. Let’s be honest emotions can feel frightening. At some point in life getting some help to deal with the past and the trauma may be useful, but it might not be a quick fix.
Others may have grown up with a mindset that either emotions are incredibly frightening or that showing emotions denotes weakness. But hopefully we all know now that this is not the case.
When faced with the really tough times it is worth remembering that for most of us, as adults, we will have faced tough times before and somehow or other we will have survived. Some days we need to remind ourselves of that
Life is nothing if not uncertain but I imagine most people reading this will have had a fair bit of practice at the business of living with the ups and downs that it entails.
So, it is perfectly okay NOT to be okay but it is also perfectly okay to grab yourself by your metaphorical shoelaces, remind yourself you are stronger than you think, and get on with your day.
As in so many other areas of life – it is entirely up to you!
For tips and hints to help you live a more fulfilling positive life join our face book group
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